Stumpy arrived with us following the unfortunate departure of Mr Swan. He is the smallest person in the world and can quite easily fit into a goats pocket. We also let him drive the van. This is quite dangerous but he seems to get by. Crack will be soon taking him aside and teaching him the ways of looking after the van, caring for it, caressing it, making sweet dirty love to its every opening...

He has also been doubling as Crack's personal guitar technician recently, as he can use his stumps to play the guitar. This, unfortunately, means that Crack now has more time for schmoozing with the general public at gigs and also a lot more time at the bar...

When we found stumpy we were returning from a one-off fundraising gig in a Hungarian brothel that was ruined in a tragic fire started by Dee Dee after he ate too many of Cracks 'secret recipe Curried Egg and Chilli Surprise Pasties'. Unfortunately, after the 5th or so Dee Dee vomited all over the 'reception' of said brothel. This volatile chunder mixed with the already odd fumes lingering in the air (we think left over from 2 Hearts' rancid triple sweatband combination) and caused a small explosion resulting in the loss of half a brothel, 4 prostitutes and a large bag of salted cashew nuts that Crack had brought along. As punishment, the band had to play a charity fundraising event to rebuild the home of some Hungary's finest and greasiest working girls.

On the journey home, on one of the many, many times the Rockbus© pulled into a lay-by for Dee Dee to relieve himself (we'll leave it at that), 2 Hearts spotted a short pair of legs poking from underneath some nearby shrubbery. After he had written a short poem about it, he went to investigate. 2 Hearts is very fond of children and is constantly concerned for their well being. Any chance to assist the recovery of a lost or hurt child, you can guarantee 2 Hearts will be there, probably trying to release a single in the name of charity. Unfortunately, what he originally thought to be a stranded, injured child was actually just a very short man taht had passed out in the harsh Hungarian winter. 2 Hearts brought him back to the van... sorry Rockbus©... and he was cleaned and given a box to play with. When he became violently travel sick, he asked if he could drive us home, as he doesn't fall ill if he is in control of the vehicle. After the relevant paperwork had been filled in and companies rung, Stumpy was added to the insurance policy as a named driver.

The band agreed that it was such a smooth ride home - the smoothest ride they had ever ridden, in fact - that they offered young Stumpy a job. Now he is the full time driver, roadie and mover-of-stuff that we have all grown to love.

May his time with the band be long and prosperous and not end in tragedy like so many that have come before him.

EQUIPMENT

1 x Van